Him, again.

It was just a couple of days after I cried myself to sleep, after begging God to help me forget about you. I begged him to let me remember only the happy memories and not the shitty things so that I won’t be afraid to love again. So that I can know how to be happy again without your love and sweet texts. When I woke up the next day, I had this resolve. I will find my own happiness without relying on anyone so that if one day they’ll leave again, they wouldn’t be able to take it away from me. I had this resolve to completely forget how I feel about you. But life is cruel. As soon as I let myself not to think about you, you visited me in a way that I wouldn’t be able to avoid you. I dreamed about you.

I was in my grandmother’s former office doing some errands for her and you were there. You talked me which is ironic since you don’t in real life. Then in my dream, I went home and again, we crossed paths just around the corner of the neighborhood.

I was so close to giving up this feeling. This feeling gave me happiness and at the same time, bad things. And you know what upsets me the most? The fact that even though the bad memories is heavier than the good memories, I still can’t say that what we had was a complete disaster. Yes, we were not in a relationship but you still made me feel I was worth all the happiness in the entire multiverse. You made me realize what a “empty” feeling is and I wish I didn’t know at all. I probably won’t be this lonely. You made me feel bad about myself, developed stupid insecurities. And worst of all, you made me forgot how to be happy and how to completely love myself. You were a bad habit and habits are really hard to break. There are days where my mind goes off to before, and all I can think are thousands of what ifs and different scenarios and it all becomes a happy ending unlike what I have now. But I also completely know that what has done can’t be undo. They say everything happens for a reason, guess I ‘ll just for that “reason”. But until then, please don’t make me remember you and if I do, I guess God will have another rant to listen to, again.

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