It was just a couple of days after I cried myself to sleep, after begging God to help me forget about you. I begged him to let me remember only the happy memories and not the shitty things so that I won’t be afraid to love again. So that I can know how to be happy again without your love and sweet texts. When I woke up the next day, I had this resolve. I will find my own happiness without relying on anyone so that if one day they’ll leave again, they wouldn’t be able to take it away from me. I had this resolve to completely forget how I feel about you. But life is cruel. As soon as I let myself not to think about you, you visited me in a way that I wouldn’t be able to avoid you. I dreamed about you.
I was in my grandmother’s former office doing some errands for her and you were there. You talked me which is ironic since you don’t in real life. Then in my dream, I went home and again, we crossed paths just around the corner of the neighborhood.
I was so close to giving up this feeling. This feeling gave me happiness and at the same time, bad things. And you know what upsets me the most? The fact that even though the bad memories is heavier than the good memories, I still can’t say that what we had was a complete disaster. Yes, we were not in a relationship but you still made me feel I was worth all the happiness in the entire multiverse. You made me realize what a “empty” feeling is and I wish I didn’t know at all. I probably won’t be this lonely. You made me feel bad about myself, developed stupid insecurities. And worst of all, you made me forgot how to be happy and how to completely love myself. You were a bad habit and habits are really hard to break. There are days where my mind goes off to before, and all I can think are thousands of what ifs and different scenarios and it all becomes a happy ending unlike what I have now. But I also completely know that what has done can’t be undo. They say everything happens for a reason, guess I ‘ll just for that “reason”. But until then, please don’t make me remember you and if I do, I guess God will have another rant to listen to, again.
My mom and dad were fighting again. They fought over money. I mean, they can afford my college expenses and daily needs but not with the house expenses and payment of debts. I said I want to work and they said I don’t need to. But a few hours later, they’re exchanging mean words right in front of me. I can’t understand my dad anymore. He used to smile a lot and was really nice to my mom. Well, he doesn’t hit her but he tells her stuff. I can’t remember when their last happy conversation was. I can’t remember when mine was too. Life is unfair. It was said that life is a wheel but seems like the wheel is broken since we’re stuck on the same road for a long time already. I want those happy conversations again. I want those fun sundays. I want my dad back. I want my family back.
He likes her so much.
She likes him back.
But little did he know that another “She” likes him too.
First of all, I would like to welcome you in my life. Just a precaution. I can go from sad to happy real quick so prepare for a lot of mood swings if you still want to read this little blog of mine. I can’t write all the time but I will write often since that’s how I express this bottled-up feelings of mine and I’m just simply loquacious in the internet.
Oh wait, I just thought that this would be embarrassing if no one actually read this!
As if I haven’t done so many embarrassing things pfft.
Okay sooo, since February started, I have been saving up for a new phone. My current phone’s camera got broken and I am fond of taking photos so this predicament has been causing me little problems. I can’t easily take a picture of my teacher’s notes and handouts and I can’t update my Instagram, which is the app I know I’ll forever be obsess. (Allow me to advertise my instagram account here. Follow me @http.gewww. lmao) So I am close to my target savings when suddenly, I wanted to buy a ukulele so baaaadly it hurts.
I am watching youtube tutorials and even practicing the strum pattern in the freaking air. As of now, I’m researching for ukuleles for beginners since my place is famous for handmade stringed instruments. And at the same time, canvassing prices for the phone. I’m digging my own grave since I can only buy one out of those two and yet I’m still researching both. It would be nice if both phone and uke will have a sudden price drop as a summer promo. *fingers freaking-cross* I’ll just see where this will take me.